leap of faith

Which could end happily, or end as a crash in the dirt with me vowing to never leap again.

So that guy that I talked about months and months ago, who I got rid of, and then came back? 

The one that talked to me and then nothing for a year.

I just messaged him about getting together or dinner or coffee or drinks or ice cream.

How did I grow the balls to do such a thing, you ask?

I finished reading a book my Sarah Dessen entitled "Along For The Ride".

It was amazing, and I read the bulk of it today.

I don't want to give away the book in case someone wants to read it, so I'll just say that I think it's worth the read.

Now I need to find another book to read.

But I'm hoping that I'm not getting sick, so in order to combat that I'm going to pop some allergy pills and sleep.

Life is pretty lame lately- all I do is work, see some friends, and sleep.

My workout routine has suffered significantly due to a horrendous work schedule, and having a social life, so I'm just taking it as it comes.

Stay classy,

Bamf

Tardy for the party

Wait, there is a party?
Was I invited?
Awkward....

hokay, so it's a good thing that I'm not in the blogging thing for the money, otherwise I would be in trouble.
The past month and a half have been busy with the following:
-dog/house sitting for a farm full of 6 dogs and 4 cows
-cow sitting for a farm of 3 cows
-dog sitting for my brother, twice
-working
-working out (as much as my schedule would allow)
-kind of having a social life, but not really
-not working consistent weekends, and often working 3 in a row (yay for retail)

I'm not sure where the days go anymore, but I am so excited that the summer is almost over.
Work is getting really bad, mostly the atmosphere due to them cutting our hours and stressing us out because we still have to do a silly workload with no people to work it, but I digress...

My weight has been up and down due to the inconsistency's and stress... yes, I'm a stress eater.
I'm working on getting back on track, and I'm test driving the counting calories thing.
I bought a heart rate monitor on Amazon and have been able to track the calories burned on my workout compared to the calories that I'm eating.
Today I'm trying to not eat sweets, but i WILL drink my coffee- it's not an option to take it away, especially since I don't drink soda.
Fruits will hopefully be able to cure my sweet tooth today.

I had a good workout today, and burned just shy of 700 calories.
2.4 miles on the elliptical, and 2 miles on the treadmill. I'm doing a sub-14 minute mile, and working to get down as quickly as I can.
On that note, I'm exhausted so I'm gonna go to sleep and let my body rest so I can work tomorrow.. yay.
Tomorrow is day 6 of 6, so I can do this.

Stay classy,
Bamf

I need good news.

And I need good news now yesterday.
I STILL haven't heard from the job, and it's driving me nuts.
I really wanted to be done with retail before the bigger soccer tournament happened, but unless I hear something on Thursday, that won't be happening.
Eff. My. Life.
So many things in life are just not going right, and I really wanted this job to be something positive.
Slowly but surely I am accepting the fact that some friendships are just not meant to be, and that makes me so sad.
I can only put in so much more effort.
Giving up on a 20+ years friendship makes me super sad and depressed, but I'm tired of being the one that ALWAYS has to put forth any effort.
Hell, I've seen and talked to my friend who lives in Tucson, AZ many more times than the one who lives in the same state.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I guess my life just doesn't fit in with hers.
Or she just really doesn't care.
Whatever.

Right now my one and only happy place is at the YMCA.
I wish I could spend 5+ hours there everyday.
6 days a week is what I strive to get in for workouts, but lately it's been 5 days.
Life happens, and that's that.
One thing that I'm really trying to avoid is eating out.
So hard to do.
Sometimes I can avoid it for weeks on end, and then all of a sudden it's 2 or 3 times in one week, and that is not OK with me.
I want to see some friends, some of them, but I don't want to have to be so particular about where/what I eat.
Stability is what I strive for at the moment, and I get stability at home.
I'm getting back to my social anxiety ways, and I'm starting to avoid social gatherings in any way possible.
If it's not a family gathering, I'm not into it.
I work, workout, eat, and sleep.
I should probably eat more, but so many things could potentially lead me into a binge.
Cutting out sugar is tough, but I'm trying it.
I can't cut it out completely, but I'm avoiding the sweets at all costs.
But then my mother drops a slice of ice cream cake in my lap and I feel guilty not eating it, so I eat it.
Ugh.
If it's offered I can easily deny it.
If it's just sitting there, I'm getting pretty good self control.
But if it's cut and dropped, I'm screwed.
Ya live and learn, I guess.

One other observation about today: I'm really good at being a life coach for other people, but once I consider taking my own advice I run away.
I'm such a coward.
I put on a good front most of the time.
Thank god people I know don't read this.
Well, I don't think they do...
And if they do, well, uhh............

On that note, I'm off to bed.
Keep it real,
Bamf

Noticing

So I've been on a pretty hardcore gym stint for the past few months.
I try and get to the gym 5-6 days a week, but never 7 because otherwise I know I will burn myself out.
If I have something to do, I try not to stress about it and just make sure to make it the next day.
There have been a few times when I missed a few days in a row, aka HORRIBLE allergy attacks, and getting back into the groove is so flipping hard!
If I maintain my system of going and working out right after work, or in the middle of the day if I have the day off, I will be OK.
Now I will be dancing for 3 hours on Tuesday nights as a bootcamp workout at the dance studio, so I will do that in place of my typical workout.
As I workout I am ridiculously calm, which is surprising after all the stress that this past month has been causing me.
Between my car troubles, job woes, not hearing about a job I interviewed for a month ago, and overall family stressors; to say I'm stressed is an understatement.
I spend the 1.5-2 hours alone, listening to music, sweating out my frustrations, and not caring about a thing in the world besides increasing my distance, speed, or lifting weights.
Yes, I often hang out at the gym for 2 hours.
When I make the trip there, I fully commit and don't half-ass anything.
If I am rushed I get pissed, and that is why I love to go alone.
The YMCA is my happy place, it really is.

Today was the first day that anyone has noticed, or told me, that they see a difference.
When I saw my BFF today, she told me that I look smaller.
My response, "well good, that's the whole reason that i've been working out 5-6 days a week".
My mom said she has also noticed, which makes me feel good.
I can't tell a whole bunch in my clothes, but I'm not too overly concerned with that at the moment.
I haven't really publicized my weight loss efforts out in the open like some of my friends do for many reasons, some of those being  1) I don't like attention being brought to myself, 2) I am afraid of failing if everyone is watching me all the time, and 3) I'm ashamed of where I am at in life.
Some of my coworkers at work know, mainly cause I see them so often, but I'm keeping it pretty minimal.
I just need to keep going at it and not focusing on what everyone thinks.
Yes, I am avoiding seeing people in order to get in time at the Y, but right now I need to do things for me and that is what is most important.
Fo realz.
I wouldn't pass up meeting my BFF tonight, especially after my car troubles last week kept me from seeing her then, but I made sure to get a few miles in on the treadmill tonight.
Priorities, yo.

I'm exhausted, and looking forward to sleeping in.
Put out some good vibes for me, if possible, so that I can get this job that I so desperately need.
My sanity is at sake, people.


Stay classy,
Bamf

When it rains...

... it pours

Right now it is fucking pouring..
I still have no idea on the job- no one at my mom's job will tell me anything.
My car got injured again last night.
Yes, twice in a month.
FML.
I found out that one of my friends (who I thought I was good friends with) is moving to WI and never told me.
My job is sucking all the sanity out of me.
I have to attend a wedding this weekend and I absolutely do not want to go. Not one part of me wants to go.
I didn't get to see my BFF last night due to the injured car, and I really miss her. A lot.
My dad's health and him being back at work is giving me horrible anxiety too.
I'm so scared of losing him.
So fucking scared.
And I have no one to talk to about it, because I don't want to burden them.
I'm just so over this.

Here's the car situation...

The culprit: small ratchet strap that was in the road.
It was raining, and is green, so there is no way I would have seen it.

The result... 3" gash in my tire

Tore up my car, also got the wheel well, and almost punctured my windshield washer fluid tank.

Damn near went through my fender here, and it did scrape through another part near the hood.

Talk about horrible, horrible luck.

If this is depression, it's bullshit and I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I'm just at the end of my rope.

Right now going to the gym is the only thing that is keeping me sane.

It's a place where I get on the treadmill and stop thinking about what is going on.

I am too focused on breathing that I can't think about the shit going on in my life.

If only I could spend my whole day there.

A girl can dream...

Time to go shower and hopefully fall asleep early.

Keep it real,

Bamf

Gym Rat

I am now deeming myself as one. 

If I miss more than 1 day per week I get anxious. 

I love the sweating. 

And the heavy breathing. 

And the sore muscles. 

Then I know I gave myself a good workout. 

Today:

Kettle bell warmup

Squats challenge-130 squats

4.42 miles in the treadmill

Abs challenge-25 sit ups, 12 crunches, 12 leg lifts

80 Russian twists with a 10 lb medicine ball

Plank

Holy shit, I'm in pain. 

I'm falling asleep with a heating pad on tonight. 

It's necessary. 

Ok, time for sleep. 

Sincerely, 

One sore Bamf

A Quickie Update

Life is nuts.
This 3-day weekend has been re-dick-u-lusy busy, and I am just bracing myself for the next month of craziness.

Thursday: worked, then went to the film Sole Survivor. Look up the film, it's so very interesting and hits close to home since my uncle, aunt, and my aunt's parents perished in the Galaxy flight on January 21, 1985. I hope it comes out to DVD soon so I can purchase it.

Friday: my great-aunt Lois's funeral. So sad. I will miss her a lot.

*2 days in a row of not having time to get to the gym. No fun.*

Saturday: made it to the gym, ran errands, and then my niece graduated from pre-school! She will be the high school graduating class of 2026, I think! Just crazy!

Sunday: got to the gym, then spent the rest of my day at a graduation party. My Godmother's daughter, whom I have known/babysat/been close with the family since she was born, graduated on Friday and her graduation party was today. I can't believe she is out of high school, it's just so strange to think about. I spent her party running around filling stuff, cleaning up, and doing more odd stuff. It's just what I do.

This week will be equally crazy with work, wedding dress/bridesmaid dress shopping with my friend Jayme, dinner with my bff, more work, some time spent at the gym, lunch with my cousin, a wedding, and more work.

My life is always busy.
One day I'm gonna crack.
Oh well.

Stay classy,
Bamf

P.s. My other BFF got engaged this weekend..... AHHHHHH! I will officially be a bridesmaid for the 10th time next spring. O.M.G.

Disappearing Act

Sometimes I disappear.
I fall off the radar.
I fall off the face of the earth.
I find myself in the same routine: work, workout, try and spend time with friends, repeat.
Now that most of the craziness is gone, I really fall off the radar.
I would rather just stay at home, in my PJs with glasses on.
But alas, I need to be social.
There are so many people that I need to meet up with, but that also means cutting into my workout routine.
Truth: I'm saddened by having to do that, and I often avoid it at all costs.
I'm pathetic, I know.
It's OK though.

Quick week recap:
-I worked last thursday through today. 6 days of pure chaos, especially with Memorial Day. Have I mentioned how much I dislike working on holidays? The time and a half pay just isn't worth it most of the time...
-My BFF is back from her honeymoon and wants to get together. I'm avoiding it really bad. I'm not sure why. *OK, I know why, I'm just trying not to say it out loud for fear of being told I'm the biggest bitch of all time. don't worry, I'm already saying it to myself as I type.*
-I successfully jogged for 5 minutes straight on the deadfall (treadmill). It was rough, but I did it.
-I'm still keeping up with a 30 day squat challenge. Holy shit, It's crazy. 80 squats were done today...
-My allergies are HORRENDOUS right now. I've been in glasses for days, and finally today I don't feel like gouging my eyes out. I'm being high maintenance by requesting that we don't EVER open any windows... I'm not a fan of being miserable.
-I was offered another temp job for this fall/winter, at the same company doing HR again when my friend goes on maternity leave. I will take it if I don't get the job at my mom's company. I wish the HR job came with benefits and everything, but it doesn't. Sucky part of growing up is that I need to act responsibly.
-The scale went up, when I'm really pondering why. I've been wayyy more active and better with my eating compared to 2 weeks ago when I had McDonalds 3 times within the week (gross, I know. I was desperate.) and a crap ton of soda.
-My niece is still hilarious.
-It's 8:30 and I'm ready for bed.
-I'm terrified for my father's health. Like you wouldn't believe. Makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm out.
Bamf

Calm

My life has become calm again.
I'm so exhausted, mentally and physically, but calm is there.
Last week was full of 6 days straight of dance rehearsals and recitals.
Over those days I fell in love with the idea of dancing, especially for a dance center like 'nMotion.
The studio is a non-competitive one, so I know that the dancers just truly love what they do.
In 6 short days I got to know more people, see what life is like in the wings of the stage, and feel the energy that goes through one's body just before going out to perform.
Although I never danced as a child, I am so happy that I can experience it now.
I constantly have all the dance songs and performances flowing through my head, and I think I will have to put the recital soundtrack in my car- some of those songs are just addicting...

I'm still trying to deal with my broken car.

I got it quoted yesterday, and they are estimating it to cost over $4,000 to fix it. 

Because of the miles and age, the cost to fix it is more than 75% of its worth, so my car is considered totaled. 

Not cool.

Not sure where to go from here.

I had to stuff a tarp into the gap in my trunk in order to keep the monsoon like rains from flooding my trunk.

*real classy, I know

One more thing to add to my list of craptastic events, is that at work I jammed my finger into a box, so my thumb bent back and cracked.

My hand has been swollen since, and I'm really just not a fan of it.

I'm not sure if it's sprained, fractured, or broken.

I haven't been to a doctor because I don't want to pay for an x-ray incase it isn't broken. 

We'll see what happens.

I'm hesitant to go to yoga or kettlebells due to putting weight on my hand.

Bah.

Ok, time to attempt a walk outside and hope that my face doesn't swell shut.

Allergies are a bitch right now.

Stay classy,

Bamf

Uneasy

My bestest friend ever gets married tomorrow. 

I'm honored to be her maid of honor, and to play that special role in her wedding. 

At the same time I'm terrified of being pushed aside and left behind as she becomes married and in her own life. 

I can never tell her, or anyone else, my real fear because I've seen it happen so many times with friends already. 

Makes me so sad and uneasy. 

I should be happier, but I just want to cry my eyes out. 

Now typing that out I feel like an even more horrible person. 

Oh yeah, I HATE that I'm going to yet another wedding solo. 

I don't even want to go to weddings anymore cause its humiliating. 

Good thing everyone I know is getting married. 

FML. 

Yay for another wedding full of drinking alone. 

Depressingly yours,

BAMF

P.s. this post makes me sound the most depressing bitch ever, huh? 

P.p.s. I got rear ended by another car today so now my car is all jacked up. Just the cherry on the top. 

Wedding Festivities

The wedding festivities have officially begun for my BFF's wedding on Saturday!
I'm on day 1 of my 5 days off from work (hell yeah!), and that's about all I've done for the wedding thus far.
Well, I got a spray tan last night that left a wonderful stripe down my left arm, and a spot on my foot, so that's cool.
Remind me to pick up a lemon on my way home from kettle bells tonight....
Tomorrow I will pick up my dress, pick up a bridesmaid from the airport, throw the bachelorette party, and revel in the wedding awesomeness!
If I can get this spray tan under control, I will be so much happier...
Until then, it's tap dance and kettle bells tonight!
Next week is my dance recitals... holy shit!
*Cue panic and anxiety attack*
OK, gotta jet.

Keep it real,
Bamf

I don't have a title...

Because nothing is going according to plan.
Well, other things are, but getting rid of the root cause of my frustrations in da boys category isn't.
So ya know that friendship that I determined as sunk?
Yeah, he came out of left field and requested my friendship/messaged me on Facebook.
Umm, what?
That is not supposed to have happened.
I can't handle this.
I'm trying to get a handle on my every day life, and try NOT to worry about that stressful friendships category.
Right now I need to worry about work, my BFFs wedding, my dance recital, my other activities, and running a 5k.
Another words, I need to, worry about me.
I cant afford to focus on things that will leave me broken hearted.. Again.
I said I wouldn't contact him if he contacted me, but I'm not the type of person that won't.
It's rude, and most of the time I don't like being rude.
Most of the time.
So now I'm stuck in the same fucking limbo that I was 5 months ago or so.
WTF.
It's isn't part of my plan.
Now I need to try and sleep tonight.
Yay me.
Not.
Hopefully I can think in a level headed manner tomorrow...
We'll see.

Confused,
Bamf