Monday, July 9, 2012

"You can pick your nose, but not your family"

Oh how true that statement is.
You can pick your nose, but not your family.
This is probably why I have such close friends- most of them are more like family than my own family is.
That is so fucking sad. When did my family become like this?
I thought family drama would pretty much be done with after I cut off my aunts when my great uncle and grandma died.
My aunts treated my mom like shit, so I vowed to not go to another family function on that side.
It's been 3 years and I am holding strong to that vow.

Vowing to not go to family functions because of my brother and SIL, sister-in-law, will be much more difficult.
If there weren't two adorable kids in the picture, my niece and nephew, I would consider cutting them out for awhile.
And it would kill my parents if I did that- I can't do that to them.
My brother is doing enough to hurt them, and I couldn't handle doing any more.
As much as I can't handle hurting any of them, I'm sick of getting my heart and feelings squashed by my brother and the SIL. My brother hasn't been nice to me ever. I mean ever.

He grew up with the sole intention of making my life miserable.
He has succeeded with no failures to this day.
My brother is the best at putting me down without saying it, solely from his tone, demeanor, and overall lack of interest in anything that I do with my life.
When I was in school he always said I had an easy life.
During most of college I was working 40 hours a week while taking my fair share of credits year round.
In my immediate family I am the only one with a bachelors degree (in no way am I saying that I am better than any of my other family members- I am just stating that I went to achieve something that no one else had previously done so I was on a different path altogether. When I graduated from college I hesitated even having my parents go to my graduation because I didn't feel like I had done anything and it wasn't worth celebrating. And I didn't think they would want to go. I only went to please a few of my friends. If I didn't tell my parents, they probably would not have asked about it.)
To him that was never good enough because I wasn't married with children by the age of 23.
He never said it, but I can tell. I've known him long enough to read him like a book.
I have only asked him for help once, and he couldn't have cared less, so I have given up hope on ever asking him for help ever again.

I wish I could say that this is the first time trouble has ever happened between my family because of my bro and SIL, but that would be a lie. Things never got back to normal a functioning state, so I formally gave up.
And my brother/SIL/the kids never stopped to tell my dad 'Happy Father's Day' because her family was more important. They obviously don't care that it is a very real chance that he may have had his last Father's Day. He health is in jeopardy ever day, and you would think that they would stop by for even 5 minutes on a day like that.
Nope.
I even saw them that day when they were on that way home.
I told them that my other brother would be there for dinner if they wanted to stop by.
Nope.
They couldn't have fucking cared less.

I'm really good at holding grudges.
We can call that incident one huge fucking grudge.
Awesome.

I like to think that we can get past this stupid shit, but we won't even be able to.
My SIL only cares about her family, and because my brother is an idiot he has easily conformed to her thoughts and probably only cares about her family as well.

I can't talk to any of my family about this, and it would be too depressing to talk to my friends about, so I will just put it on her and hold everything in.
Great.

My life gets more and more depressing every day. It's so unbearable, but I don't know what to do. So I carry on. Just waiting for the day that I crack and move away and start life over.
I need to start applying for jobs out of state STAT.

On a more positive note, this song makes me smile every time I listen to it.
So you should too.
Until next time...

 ~Debbie Downer aka BAMF



Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Dog Heaven

I'm convinced there is a dog heaven.
Man's best friend has to have their own heaven, because they are most often more loyal to their owner than anyone else will be.
My brother's dog, who we raised at my parent's house for nearly the first year of her life, died today. She was left out in the heat for hours, and her old heart just could not take it. Their other dog survived, thankfully, but I don't know how  the other dog will do without his companion. My brother feels horrible, and blames himself because my sister-in-law and him forgot to put the dogs in. Today the temperature was averaging around 100 degrees with a heat index of 112 degrees.
I feel so bad for my brother, but I feel worse for Daisy. She didn't deserve to die that way. She hated fireworks, so it's a possibility that people in the neighborhood shooting off fireworks made her so aggravated that she had a heart attack, but odds are it was the heat. Daisy was such a good dog, and I will miss her dearly. I am confident that she is playing with my old dog, Reno, up in doggy heaven. She is probably relieved to be with her old buddy again, but we will miss her down here. It is almost surreal. It brings me back to the day my dog Reno had to be put down, and my heart aches. Why must things like that happen? I just pray that their other dog, Phil, pulls through and doesn't die from heartache as a result. I don't know how any of my family would be able to handle that. I'm not sure how I will be able to handle going up to their house knowing she won't be there.

I really don't like the circle of life.

I'm pretty sure that the reason this is hitting me so bad is because I'm afraid my dad will continue to go to work, even though his body can't handle it, and that he will die from the heat as well. As the temperatures average between 95 and 100 degrees, he continues to work in nearly no air conditioning because he does not want to quit working unless it is by his own terms. Yesterday he got into a minor accident because he had such a bad headache from work, that he closed his eyes and then rear ended someone. Thankfully no one was hurt, but his bumper was messed up. I am absolutely terrified that something worse will happen if he continues on this path, but no one can convince him to do anything. It must all be on his own terms, but I'm afraid that waiting until his own terms will be too late. The realization yesterday of how far he is actually pushing himself just makes me pissed off and mad and I just want to scream and hit something.

I can't find a way to be happy if I am so scared, worried, and upset all the time. It's hard to mask it, but I was raised in a way that you don't express your feelings, and instead you supress them until you explode. It's a great thing.. not. I have no idea what to do with my life anymore,  because I am in a constant state of worry. This is all driving me crazy and proving to be too much for me. I'm not sure where to go from here.

I am so lost, and missing Daisy.

Blubbering ball of tears,
Bamf