Soul Searching

Today was just a day for in the books.
Let me begin by saying that my thoughts and prayers are with those who were affected by the bombing at the Boston Marathon.
It is sickening to think that someone would EVER do such a thing.
The world has become so dark and scary, that it really makes you think about the people around you.
I'm also praying for the city of Boston as they pull together after everything that happened today.
Just so horrible...

I had been thinking about promoting at work, but was needing support from management to go for it.
Today I got the harsh feedback that my attitude is seriously holding me back.
I'm just so unhappy with life that it is affecting my work, and my abilities.
I have pretty much zero self esteem, so I am therefore unhappy with pretty much everything, and I basically don't feel like I've got much in my favor.
Most of my friends are married, have kids, their own lives, so I don't want to burden them with anything that is making me unhappy.
More money was the main reason for me to go for the position, but I am seriously wondering if it would be good for me to do it.
I'm not sure if it is in my best interest.
But at the same time, if I decide to not go through with it, I don't want to be deemed a failure.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely want to change my attitude and be a happier person, but I don't want to do it for that reason.
I don't want me to just go the fake route in order to get this position.
I want to be happy for real.
How I do such a thing I don't know, but I need to figure out something yesterday soon.
I'll keep you updated.

Oh yeah, my car stalled out on the road today.
Eventually it got working again, but let's just say that 10 minutes after the conversation with my supervisor at work, the situation drew me to tears.
And then I proceeded to cry the whole way home, as well as into the next hour.
So I went and got a gym membership.
I'm debating giving up my monthly massages, but I'm thinking that would be silly.
So I will give up shopping.
Here's to working for health, happiness, and self-esteem.

praying,
Bamf