Sinking friendships

I'm in such a funk lately and I have no idea why.
Well, I have some reasons, but none of them are good ones.
It is what it is, I guess.

I can feel myself pushing people away.
Pushing friendships away.
This isn't like me.
I am so unhappy with my life right now, that I almost don't want to be around anyone.
I would rather hibernate.
He'll, I've cancelled dinner dates with friends because I'd rather sit at home.
Just so weird.

These next two days will be chaos.
My oldest friend is getting married, and I'm her personal attendant.
Basically her bitch for the day.
And she has said she couldn't do it without me.
I'm so confused by all of it sometimes, but oh well.
I'll be glad when its done.
I'm pretty much just excited to get drunk off my ass this weekend, to be completely honest.
It's been awhile, I will admit that.
I have too much going on to go out and do that all the time.
Not to mention I'm broke.
Awesome.
Happy wedding weekend to Reese and Matt!!!!

One person who was in my life was deleted from it, and that was all my fault.
Lately I've been thinking about him, and I don't know why.
Hell, he's been in my dreams. So weird.
When he was living out of state I was pretty much the only one he talked to besides his family, sometimes.
Said he didn't want to hang out with his old friends because of their choices when he moved back.
He moved back almost a year ago.
I've seen him twice, maybe.
I tried contacting him, heard nothing, and then I got a new phone and phone number and didn't tell him.
And I deleted him from Facebook.
I'm so done with superficial friendships that I deleted 100+ people one night. And I haven't missed any of them.
Anyway, haven't seen him or heard from him, and then he requested to be my friend on Facebook.
It has been just sitting there, because I'm not sure what I truly want to do.
I had such strong feelings for him, got nothing back, and bringing him back into my life would be so hard.
No one knows about him besides one person.
I want to keep it that way simply because it makes me feel like a moron.
All I think is that no one will love/like me cause of how I look, and I know he sure wont.
My low/non-existent self esteem is not attractive. To anyone. Especially me.
But I almost feel no need to change anything, partly because I'm just so tired of all of it. So tired.
Lets hope I don't drunkenly respond to his friend request this weekend.
Remind me to leave my phone in the hotel room...

Until then, whenever that is, his friendship will stay pending.. Along with my self-worth.

Yep,
Bamf

Frustrated

I am beyond frustrated with life. I can't find a new job, I am going into my 7th holiday season in retail and there seems to be no hope of getting out. I even interviewed for a new job recently and didn't get it cause I don't have experience. But I can't get experience cause no one will hire me. Wtf? So fucking stupid. All of it.

And I am becoming incredibly anti social, as in I am breaking plans with people and/or hoping they don't want to hang out anymore. Who am I? I don't even know. Coffee is my best friend right now.

Oh, and I'm in the midst of working 10 days straight. Needless to say I am very not happy. I hate Black Friday, and the fact that it is interfering with my Thanksgiving. So stupid. Fo realz.

Better times have to be ahead, right?

Until then,
BAMF

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of everything.

Of my life, and this rut that i can't seem to get out of.

Of not feeling good enough.

Of not feeling like i can do anything to make myself happier/comfortable.

I'm tired of feeling like a failure... But i'm not sure what will ultimately make me happy.

This has been such a weird week- friends' parent funeral, back to work after taking vacation, paying bills, bachelorette party, not feeling comfortable.

Ugh.

No me gusta.

But on the plus side, I got to eat sushi tonight. It's growing on me. But the chopsticks don't work out well for me.

That's all i got.

Life goes on.

~BAMF