I'm just over thinking, being selfish, and putting myself into a bad mood.
Todays' succession of events, in chronological order:
7am- dentist appointment. No cavities! The dental hygienist did destroy my gums though. Ouch.
8am- Caribou Coffee stop. Mocha and an egg white and turkey bacon sandwich. Yum.
8:30 am- start work, boo.
11am- find out about new possible position at work. It would be perfect for me, I think. Now to pass interviews...
11am to 5pm- make a lot of cakes. lame.
5:30pm- finally get to meet and snuggle with my friend's new son, Wade. He's adorable.
8pm- get home and reflect on my life.
9:42pm- now. realizing how dramatic I am, as well as what I perceive my self-worth to be.
Sorry this blog isn't a huge big bundle of fun and upbeat posts.
This is for my word vomit that I feel guilty telling to anyone, even my best friends in life, because I just don't think that anyone will understand.
This was just the typical work day for me, however I was so fucking antsy to leave because I get a 3 DAY WEEKEND!!! This weekend will contain the first set of two consecutive days off that I have had in the past month. Lemme just say, working retail around the holidays steals your soul. Fo realz. I am grateful to have my job, don't get me wrong, but unless you have honestly worked in the retail sector of things (especially for huge corporations) you just won't understand how taxing it is on your life.
Hooray for days off, a bar crawl in NE Mpls this weekend with my BFFL, and overall shenanigans.
As I was driving home, it really dawned on me how friendships change when kids come into the picture.
I guess I should say, more specifically, how friendships change when they are married and have kids and you are single.
Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that their lives are forever changed.
They will no longer have the capability to decide to just get up and go to the store or out for the night.
They can't just hang out at anytime due to naps, feedings, etc.
I think that the reason I'm having such a hard time is because I am so incredibly selfish.
I am selfish, I don't like change, and more importantly, I feel like a failure.
I feel like I have failed every option and plan that I had subconsciously set for myself.
This plan wasn't made based on what I want, but rather what everyone else is doing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be married, working on a masters degree, and looking at buying a house.
I have not kept up with either of my brothers, most of my family members, as well as my friends.
What do I have to show for my life?
I work in retail.
I have a college degree that is catching dust.
I have very few friends to hang out with.
I am so uncomfortable in my own skin.
I can't afford my life.
I am so unhappy that I can't believe anyone would be friends with me.
My level of unhappiness and self-worth has sunk to an all-time low.
I don't want to celebrate my birthday, I don't want to acknowledge where I am at in my life, and I really just want to spend my birthday alone.
On my birthday I will work, jazzercise, and maybe lie about what I am doing after so that I can just sit in a coffee shop by myself.
I am seriously considering spending my birthday alone, despite the fact that I live with my parents.
I love them to death, and am so thankful that I can live rent free in their house, but it is so depressing and embarrassing that I would rather not subject them to any of it.
I just wonder if my grandma would be disappointed in me as most of my cousins are married with children, or engaged, or successful.
I would be embarrassed of me, but that's just me.
This is why I push people away.
I hold everything in, put on a front, lower my self-worth, and make myself unappealing to everyone.
I help everyone else out, give them advice, but for once I want to be the one to be given help or advice.
I don't fit in with my friends anymore, I'm fucking sick of being the odd man out as they couple up, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
But I'm stuck.
Nowhere to go.
No one to talk to.
Nothing to help me.
So I will continue on.
I will continue pressing on in life.
I will pretend my life is great, participate in the bar crawl, drown my sorrows in alcohol, and push myself farther into a depressive state.
Happy 3-day weekend,
Bamf
p.s. I apologize for sounding like a bi-polar lunatic in this here post. Odds are, I am one.
p.s.s. here's a pic of my friends' little nugget, Wade. He is precious and perfect. Congrats to K and P.
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