Just keep swimming

I have to work in 6 hours.
I can't sleep for shit.
Tomorrow will be a 10 hour shift on no sleep.
Fml.
I will be an exhausted emotional mess once tomorrow comes.

My coworkers grandma hasn't passed yet, but isn't doing well.
She will indefinitely be out this week, and more than likely some of next week.
And we will scramble to cover her shifts, once again.
My schedule will continue to get fucked with.
I'm not sure how much more of that I can take.
This whole thing just throws me off.

I go about situations like this so differently than others.
I've been in the situation twice.
When my both grandmas died, I only missed a total of 3 days of work.
Two were due to the funerals, and one was due to needing a mental day.
I was a wreck.
But I picked back up, went to work, took my college finals, and continued on with life.

I was raised in a way so much different than others.
I was raised to keep feelings in.
Don't say anything to upset your family.
Throw everything to the wayside, and just keep chugging along.
We don't mourn like most people do.
We mask our feelings until we burst one day.
That explains why I'm screwed up.
That explains why I'm so upset that my coworker got to take this time off.
She is mourning like I never got to.
Like I wasn't allowed to.
I'm jealous of that.
I just keep on with the trend, don't try to let anything bother me, and I avoid everything.
Then I explode.
I'll never change in that sense.
I'll never get better.
It'll only get worse.
It'll continue to push me into depression.
It'll make me push more people away.
I'll push those feelings away and I'll just keep going on with life.

As Dory says, "just keep swimming."
I will keep swimming.

Bamf