So many thoughts...

they're all over in my head right now.
most of them are good, but some are not very positive.
this week was kind of a subconscious slap in the face.
a wake up call, if you will.

my bestest friend of all time is engaged, and likely to get married next summer.
that is if they ever make up their mind with stuff and choose a date, but I digress...
anyway, we were wedding dress shopping for her this week.
this was the second appointment that i have gone to, and i think her fourth overall.
one of the appointments lead her to two dresses, before i even saw her in either i had already decided which one would be the one.
it is a gorgeous lace dress, with a straight line silhouette, and she looked amazing in it.
she got it and i hope she was happy with it, like truly happy.
getting her to make decisions is like pulling teeth, but i think i helped force her into choosing.
actually she told me she needed me, so we got that job done.
wow, i'm straying right off track now... back it to now...
as i was watching her, and three other girls try on dresses, i had two thoughts dawn on me:
1) i need to like, stop eating NOW, in order to not like completely ridiculous in her wedding. i'm her maid of honor, so i'll be front and center. and that is not something i excel at. like, at all.
2) i wondered if i would ever have that day. or that person. someone who would love me enough to ask me to marry them, and then allow me to try on dresses and feel super beautiful and on top of the world.

all i could hear in my head was a loud 'NO, it's never going to happen. you are fat, ugly, and you have horrible self esteem and attitude.'
that is all i can think about anytime i eat something.
anytime i look in the mirror.
anytime i talk to anyone.
it's going back and forth in my head, even if it's not the nearest thought.
it's just there.
honestly, at this point i begin to think that it's easier to starve myself.
or cut it down to maybe a meal and a half a day.
i have enough crap on my body to allow it to feed off of that- i won't starve any time soon.
now i know this is bad, very very bad and unhealthy, but that is the point that i'm at.

as i look at the people around me, especially the friends i was hanging out with tonight, it made me wonder about others who are similar to me.
one of my best friends, her cousin (who is also my friend), is also a bigger gal like myself.
i feel like we are completely different.
she is always social, doesn't seem so self conscious, and genuinely seems happy.
and i am completely opposite in so many ways.
now i know that it is different from the outside looking in, but that is just my observation.
let me tell you, it is baffling.
i just wonder if she has the similar fears that i do.
there is no way that i could ever ask her, because being fat is like a white elephant in the room, you know it's there, but no one says anything.
i don't get that either.
it's just.... wtf?
ugh.
because of all of this, starving myself seems like a good option, but i know that doesn't solve the many problems that are plaguing me.
not to mention the fact that when i get hungry i get really crabby, and no one wants to deal with that.

i need a clone, so one part of me can work out, while the others works and maintains a social life.
i like to sleep, so i have a hard time waking up early to work out, because 3:30am wakeup calls would not go over well. trust me.
oh the dilemma.
we'll see how i am feeling and thinking in the morning, but i think i have yet to hit rock bottom, and until i do i will continue this spiral.
but i have no one to really talk to, because my best friends are either married, engaged, having babies, or halfway across the country.
and i don't want to burden them.
i connected a lot with a girl named Kelly who blogs at CurvyFitGirl.com
she hit all of my thoughts right on the head.
i'll have to see if any of her entries fix my problems.
i doubt it, but hell, it's worth a shot.

well, i have to work in, oh, 6.5 hours, so i should sleep.
and yeah, one of my besties wants me to do online dating with her.
i can't do it.  i just can't.
so many thoughts and reasons that i can't seem to bring myself to say out loud to anyone.

this, this is my life.
fuckmylife.com
ugh.

peace out,
BAMF