I need good news.

And I need good news now yesterday.
I STILL haven't heard from the job, and it's driving me nuts.
I really wanted to be done with retail before the bigger soccer tournament happened, but unless I hear something on Thursday, that won't be happening.
Eff. My. Life.
So many things in life are just not going right, and I really wanted this job to be something positive.
Slowly but surely I am accepting the fact that some friendships are just not meant to be, and that makes me so sad.
I can only put in so much more effort.
Giving up on a 20+ years friendship makes me super sad and depressed, but I'm tired of being the one that ALWAYS has to put forth any effort.
Hell, I've seen and talked to my friend who lives in Tucson, AZ many more times than the one who lives in the same state.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I guess my life just doesn't fit in with hers.
Or she just really doesn't care.
Whatever.

Right now my one and only happy place is at the YMCA.
I wish I could spend 5+ hours there everyday.
6 days a week is what I strive to get in for workouts, but lately it's been 5 days.
Life happens, and that's that.
One thing that I'm really trying to avoid is eating out.
So hard to do.
Sometimes I can avoid it for weeks on end, and then all of a sudden it's 2 or 3 times in one week, and that is not OK with me.
I want to see some friends, some of them, but I don't want to have to be so particular about where/what I eat.
Stability is what I strive for at the moment, and I get stability at home.
I'm getting back to my social anxiety ways, and I'm starting to avoid social gatherings in any way possible.
If it's not a family gathering, I'm not into it.
I work, workout, eat, and sleep.
I should probably eat more, but so many things could potentially lead me into a binge.
Cutting out sugar is tough, but I'm trying it.
I can't cut it out completely, but I'm avoiding the sweets at all costs.
But then my mother drops a slice of ice cream cake in my lap and I feel guilty not eating it, so I eat it.
Ugh.
If it's offered I can easily deny it.
If it's just sitting there, I'm getting pretty good self control.
But if it's cut and dropped, I'm screwed.
Ya live and learn, I guess.

One other observation about today: I'm really good at being a life coach for other people, but once I consider taking my own advice I run away.
I'm such a coward.
I put on a good front most of the time.
Thank god people I know don't read this.
Well, I don't think they do...
And if they do, well, uhh............

On that note, I'm off to bed.
Keep it real,
Bamf

Noticing

So I've been on a pretty hardcore gym stint for the past few months.
I try and get to the gym 5-6 days a week, but never 7 because otherwise I know I will burn myself out.
If I have something to do, I try not to stress about it and just make sure to make it the next day.
There have been a few times when I missed a few days in a row, aka HORRIBLE allergy attacks, and getting back into the groove is so flipping hard!
If I maintain my system of going and working out right after work, or in the middle of the day if I have the day off, I will be OK.
Now I will be dancing for 3 hours on Tuesday nights as a bootcamp workout at the dance studio, so I will do that in place of my typical workout.
As I workout I am ridiculously calm, which is surprising after all the stress that this past month has been causing me.
Between my car troubles, job woes, not hearing about a job I interviewed for a month ago, and overall family stressors; to say I'm stressed is an understatement.
I spend the 1.5-2 hours alone, listening to music, sweating out my frustrations, and not caring about a thing in the world besides increasing my distance, speed, or lifting weights.
Yes, I often hang out at the gym for 2 hours.
When I make the trip there, I fully commit and don't half-ass anything.
If I am rushed I get pissed, and that is why I love to go alone.
The YMCA is my happy place, it really is.

Today was the first day that anyone has noticed, or told me, that they see a difference.
When I saw my BFF today, she told me that I look smaller.
My response, "well good, that's the whole reason that i've been working out 5-6 days a week".
My mom said she has also noticed, which makes me feel good.
I can't tell a whole bunch in my clothes, but I'm not too overly concerned with that at the moment.
I haven't really publicized my weight loss efforts out in the open like some of my friends do for many reasons, some of those being  1) I don't like attention being brought to myself, 2) I am afraid of failing if everyone is watching me all the time, and 3) I'm ashamed of where I am at in life.
Some of my coworkers at work know, mainly cause I see them so often, but I'm keeping it pretty minimal.
I just need to keep going at it and not focusing on what everyone thinks.
Yes, I am avoiding seeing people in order to get in time at the Y, but right now I need to do things for me and that is what is most important.
Fo realz.
I wouldn't pass up meeting my BFF tonight, especially after my car troubles last week kept me from seeing her then, but I made sure to get a few miles in on the treadmill tonight.
Priorities, yo.

I'm exhausted, and looking forward to sleeping in.
Put out some good vibes for me, if possible, so that I can get this job that I so desperately need.
My sanity is at sake, people.


Stay classy,
Bamf

When it rains...

... it pours

Right now it is fucking pouring..
I still have no idea on the job- no one at my mom's job will tell me anything.
My car got injured again last night.
Yes, twice in a month.
FML.
I found out that one of my friends (who I thought I was good friends with) is moving to WI and never told me.
My job is sucking all the sanity out of me.
I have to attend a wedding this weekend and I absolutely do not want to go. Not one part of me wants to go.
I didn't get to see my BFF last night due to the injured car, and I really miss her. A lot.
My dad's health and him being back at work is giving me horrible anxiety too.
I'm so scared of losing him.
So fucking scared.
And I have no one to talk to about it, because I don't want to burden them.
I'm just so over this.

Here's the car situation...

The culprit: small ratchet strap that was in the road.
It was raining, and is green, so there is no way I would have seen it.

The result... 3" gash in my tire

Tore up my car, also got the wheel well, and almost punctured my windshield washer fluid tank.

Damn near went through my fender here, and it did scrape through another part near the hood.

Talk about horrible, horrible luck.

If this is depression, it's bullshit and I don't want to deal with it anymore.

I'm just at the end of my rope.

Right now going to the gym is the only thing that is keeping me sane.

It's a place where I get on the treadmill and stop thinking about what is going on.

I am too focused on breathing that I can't think about the shit going on in my life.

If only I could spend my whole day there.

A girl can dream...

Time to go shower and hopefully fall asleep early.

Keep it real,

Bamf

Gym Rat

I am now deeming myself as one. 

If I miss more than 1 day per week I get anxious. 

I love the sweating. 

And the heavy breathing. 

And the sore muscles. 

Then I know I gave myself a good workout. 

Today:

Kettle bell warmup

Squats challenge-130 squats

4.42 miles in the treadmill

Abs challenge-25 sit ups, 12 crunches, 12 leg lifts

80 Russian twists with a 10 lb medicine ball

Plank

Holy shit, I'm in pain. 

I'm falling asleep with a heating pad on tonight. 

It's necessary. 

Ok, time for sleep. 

Sincerely, 

One sore Bamf

A Quickie Update

Life is nuts.
This 3-day weekend has been re-dick-u-lusy busy, and I am just bracing myself for the next month of craziness.

Thursday: worked, then went to the film Sole Survivor. Look up the film, it's so very interesting and hits close to home since my uncle, aunt, and my aunt's parents perished in the Galaxy flight on January 21, 1985. I hope it comes out to DVD soon so I can purchase it.

Friday: my great-aunt Lois's funeral. So sad. I will miss her a lot.

*2 days in a row of not having time to get to the gym. No fun.*

Saturday: made it to the gym, ran errands, and then my niece graduated from pre-school! She will be the high school graduating class of 2026, I think! Just crazy!

Sunday: got to the gym, then spent the rest of my day at a graduation party. My Godmother's daughter, whom I have known/babysat/been close with the family since she was born, graduated on Friday and her graduation party was today. I can't believe she is out of high school, it's just so strange to think about. I spent her party running around filling stuff, cleaning up, and doing more odd stuff. It's just what I do.

This week will be equally crazy with work, wedding dress/bridesmaid dress shopping with my friend Jayme, dinner with my bff, more work, some time spent at the gym, lunch with my cousin, a wedding, and more work.

My life is always busy.
One day I'm gonna crack.
Oh well.

Stay classy,
Bamf

P.s. My other BFF got engaged this weekend..... AHHHHHH! I will officially be a bridesmaid for the 10th time next spring. O.M.G.