Friendship Revisited.

Last night I got an odd Facebook request.
A friendship request from a person who, at one time, was considered one of my best friends.
We talked everyday. I told her things that not even my best friend knows about me.
I trusted her.
I had faith in her.
And then she took that friendship and flushed it away.
Over a guy. A GUY. One that she had gotten a restraining order against.
One that I went to court with her to get, and I skipped class for.
And then she went back to him, 3 months later, only after cheating on both guys with the other guy.
And she didn't even have the balls to tell me herself.
I had to find out from Facebook.
Evil, evil Facebook.
Needless to say I cut her off, and never heard from her regarding the situation.
Never once did she ask me what was wrong, why I was mad, or anything about the whole situation.
For 3 years I heard nothing.
But then, I get a Facebook request.

I sit and ponder for HOURS on what to do.
I had 3 options: 1) Accept friendship, 2) Deny friendship, or 3) Let her sit in the pile with others, those of whom I don't know whether to accept or deny.
After hours of contemplating, curiosity got the best of me and I accepted.

So naturally I Facebook creeped, because that's what a person does on that site.
And then I let it sit.
I had enough going on throughout the day that I didn't have time to dwell on it, but I know I was subconsciously thinking about it.

When I was at trivia with friends tonight, I got a notification on my phone that I got a Facebook message.
Turns out it was a message from her.
My stomach dropped as I opened the message.
I had no idea what to expect.

In a nutshell, she wrote to me not really knowing what to say.
She apologized for anything she did in the past that hurt me.
She doesn't expect me to forgive her, nor does she expect anything else for that matter.
And then she wished me well, and that was it.
I sat there, dumbfounded.
Then I proceeded to freak out, became speechless, and didn't know what to think.

All I can think is "Why".
Why did you go back to him.
Why did you not care enough about our friendship to try and fix things.
Why did you not care enough about yourself to go back to this verbally abusive person.
Why now, 3 years later, are you getting in touch with me?
Why, why, why?????

I have no idea what to say.
When friends who know the situation have asked me if we could ever be friends again, I have always told them 1) I don't know, depends on many things (i.e. if she has changed), and 2) She has to be the one to initiate anything.
I have enough drama in my life without her, so I don't really need her to contribute to that.
I don't know if her answering my questions will change any of my thoughts or feelings, because the whole situation has been emotionally tolling.
Part of me wants to know, but part of me wants to leave the past in the past.

My current goal is to learn to forgive and to not hold grudges.
That is difficult when my life motto has been "If you hurt me or my family, I will cut you off."
I'm running into trouble with this motto, especially when it is regarding your family. It's hard impossible to cut off some family members.

I was told to sleep on the situation and then figure out what to do tomorrow.
Right now I wonder if that will even help.

I know that I can forgive, even if I can't forget, but I have a tough time not holding grudges.
That works against me, naturally.
Here's to hoping that I get answers in my dreams.

Until next time,
Megski