I had a revelation

So I had a revelation today, at work.
Well, honestly my friend K told me something that made me think.

When I got to work I was in a crappy mood. Actually, I had been in a horrible mood all week.
Like, I had a mental breakdown at work yesterday in front of my boss.
In the 6 years I have been working there, I've only had two break downs which is good for me.
The past week for me consisted of family illnesses, dog/cat/housesitting, creating an annoying cake for someone, hearing from a past friend, work, bad sleep, and family drama.
Being able to see one of my best friends at 7am was my saving grace.
In the first 10 minutes at work, some of her words helped resolve a lot of feelings/causes of my breakdown from yesterday (why did i not talk to her days ago?!).

She could instantly tell from my face that something was wrong, so I quickly filled her on everything that had happened in the past week.
Then I got to the story about hearing from the past friend.
I explained everything to her, and then she told me something that really made me think.
She said that she had been in an abusive relationship before, and it's hard to get out. You don't think like a person on the outside does. I told her how it took the past friend 3 years to talk to me, but even after that a lot of frustration just kind of dissipated.
So then I got 9 hours to ponder what she said in a mere 10 seconds.
And then it all kind of clicked.
At that time, 3 years ago, I was still very naive. I straight out had not experienced enough in life to make those judgements, but oh man, I sure did.
In the past few years I know several people who have been mentally and physically abused. I saw the different outcomes, and as a result I have just learned a lot more. Not that it was good, but I learned it none the less.
For 9 straight hours all I could think about was how horrible of a friend I was to HER.
I knew she was going through all of this, but I never once asked if I could help, and instead I got on my high-horse and rode off into the sunset not thinking I should look back.
Not thinking that I was in the wrong at all.
No, I was not the one abusing her. No, I was not in control of what she did. But I was her friend, and I should have tried my damn hardest to get her out of that position.
I can't go back and change anything, nor can I say that I would have been able to do anything, but damn it I should have said something.
What if I had not taken the easy way out, and instead tried to face it head on with her? Where would we both be? Where would out friendship be now?

It's sad to think that the combination of everything may have severed a great friendship, but I certainly took a lot away from it. I have realized 5 things:
1) It is important to look at things from the other side/perspective. And if you can't look and see it, ask them questions.
2) Do not just walk away from friendships when you know someone is being abused in any way. Stand by them, because they may need you but not be able to say anything, but they may depend on you more than you could ever know. And you WILL know of more than one person abused at one point or another. Sad truth.
3) When you are in the mentality that you know everything, that is when you can be certain that you know nothing, so get off your high horse.
4) Your parents are right, you get wiser with age.
5) It's not too late to make amends.

I have stepped off of my high-horse, admitted my faults, and feel as if I can be a better friend.
I will pass on this knowledge whenever I can.

These are the facts of life.

~BAMF

Confusion

I heard back from the individual in the last post- I finally mustered up an answer to her original message, and then I heard back.
I am not surprised by anything that she said. I truly appreciate her honesty, and I just said what I needed to say back to her.
In the past I would have been vicious, but life is too short to hold grudges and to not forgive. I can't forget, but I can forgive.

What I really want to know, is where to go from here. What are her intentions? Does she deep down want a friendship back, or was this just something that was eating away at her and she wanted to get it off her chest? The sad thing is that this wasn't just your normal falling out- it was so much more than that. It ended so abruptly that it was hard to try and salvage anything, and it was as if we fell off of each others earths. There one day, and gone the next. Didn't look in the rearview mirror, and just headed off into the sunset.

When I try and ask for advice, no one has any for me because it is such a unique situation.
I so badly want to ask what her intentions are with this whole situation, but there is no way to tiptoe around it.

If you could look inside my head right now it would just be full of question marks.

All of this is emotionally draining, and I need to try and sleep it off. But first I must wrangle cats. Damn cats....

Peace out.
Megan

Friendship Revisited.

Last night I got an odd Facebook request.
A friendship request from a person who, at one time, was considered one of my best friends.
We talked everyday. I told her things that not even my best friend knows about me.
I trusted her.
I had faith in her.
And then she took that friendship and flushed it away.
Over a guy. A GUY. One that she had gotten a restraining order against.
One that I went to court with her to get, and I skipped class for.
And then she went back to him, 3 months later, only after cheating on both guys with the other guy.
And she didn't even have the balls to tell me herself.
I had to find out from Facebook.
Evil, evil Facebook.
Needless to say I cut her off, and never heard from her regarding the situation.
Never once did she ask me what was wrong, why I was mad, or anything about the whole situation.
For 3 years I heard nothing.
But then, I get a Facebook request.

I sit and ponder for HOURS on what to do.
I had 3 options: 1) Accept friendship, 2) Deny friendship, or 3) Let her sit in the pile with others, those of whom I don't know whether to accept or deny.
After hours of contemplating, curiosity got the best of me and I accepted.

So naturally I Facebook creeped, because that's what a person does on that site.
And then I let it sit.
I had enough going on throughout the day that I didn't have time to dwell on it, but I know I was subconsciously thinking about it.

When I was at trivia with friends tonight, I got a notification on my phone that I got a Facebook message.
Turns out it was a message from her.
My stomach dropped as I opened the message.
I had no idea what to expect.

In a nutshell, she wrote to me not really knowing what to say.
She apologized for anything she did in the past that hurt me.
She doesn't expect me to forgive her, nor does she expect anything else for that matter.
And then she wished me well, and that was it.
I sat there, dumbfounded.
Then I proceeded to freak out, became speechless, and didn't know what to think.

All I can think is "Why".
Why did you go back to him.
Why did you not care enough about our friendship to try and fix things.
Why did you not care enough about yourself to go back to this verbally abusive person.
Why now, 3 years later, are you getting in touch with me?
Why, why, why?????

I have no idea what to say.
When friends who know the situation have asked me if we could ever be friends again, I have always told them 1) I don't know, depends on many things (i.e. if she has changed), and 2) She has to be the one to initiate anything.
I have enough drama in my life without her, so I don't really need her to contribute to that.
I don't know if her answering my questions will change any of my thoughts or feelings, because the whole situation has been emotionally tolling.
Part of me wants to know, but part of me wants to leave the past in the past.

My current goal is to learn to forgive and to not hold grudges.
That is difficult when my life motto has been "If you hurt me or my family, I will cut you off."
I'm running into trouble with this motto, especially when it is regarding your family. It's hard impossible to cut off some family members.

I was told to sleep on the situation and then figure out what to do tomorrow.
Right now I wonder if that will even help.

I know that I can forgive, even if I can't forget, but I have a tough time not holding grudges.
That works against me, naturally.
Here's to hoping that I get answers in my dreams.

Until next time,
Megski

I'm a bad friend....

a bad friend to the few friends that I really have.
If anyone knows me, they would know that I am very lazy and horrible at : 1) sending letters/emails, and 2) calling people to keep in touch with them.

I used to be really good at it. And then, well, I got lazy because no one else tried to keep in touch with me.
So I basically said fuck it and just decided to do the minimal, just, well, just because. As sort of a test to find out who my friends were, and who my other friends acquaintances are. Lemme just say, I have very few friends now. I was always known as the person who had tons of friends and knew everyone. Now I am still the person who knows everyone, but I don't have very many friends.  I can probably count on one hand the people that I regularly keep in contact with. Two of them live out of state, a good portion of them are from work, and a few of them are from high school and I see them quite often.
That's about it. Andrea, Melissa, Kelsey, Justina, Missy, Amber, Alyssa, Becca, and Nicole are the ones who I would actually call my friends. I call them, they call me, and we spend time together whenever we can.

Everyone else, they just exist. I seem to exist when they need something. Imagine that. Me, I don't ask anyone for help. Ever. Even when I clearly need it, such as putting something really heavy high up on a shelf at work. I am just stubborn and would rather find out a way to get it all done on my own. Sometimes that results on dropping stuff on my head, or doing it the hard way, but I've just come to realize that you can't rely on anyone else but yourself.

At my old age (old in my mind), I have come to realize how a wedding changes everything. Like, really changes everything. Once your friends get married, the pot of normalcy is stirred, and nothing will ever settle to the way that it used to be. It becomes that on the weekends, and week nights they need to do everything together, and then you throw babies in to the mix and all hope is lost. And basically, if you are a friend who is not married, nor is in the process of getting married anytime soon, you are pretty much kicked to the curbside because they would rather spend time with other couple so there is no third wheel to that. Some people aren't affected very much, and others are so totally different.
Being in someones wedding is also a very defining moment, because it leaves you in a tango of whether or not they really want you to be a part of it, or if they feel obligated. How you do you know the difference, you ask? Those who really want you in the wedding will keep in contact with you, and will also make an effort to spend time with you. Those who feel obligated will never be the first to try and find time to get together, and they will often let the friendship fall to the wayside. If you don't talk much in the year following the wedding, your friendship is doomed. Not even a 20 year friendship is safe. Seriously. At least not for me.

Maybe this is me being bitter, more than likely the case, but maybe this is just the honest truth that needs to be thrown out there. But tonight as I looked through my phone, trying to find a friend to spend time with, I found none. None that I would even try to bother. Some of them I knew were working, had to work early in the morning, or were out of town. The others are married, married with kids, have a significant other that they spend all their time with, or they live father than an hour away. Working every other weekend makes it even more difficult to keep in touch, because the normal person doesn't have Tuesdays or Wednesdays off like i do, therefore they can't go shopping or out to lunch on those days. I have to plan my trips weeks months in advance. I'm serious. It's depressing.

So as I see more and more people getting engaged, I just chalk it up to one less person to keep in contact with, and one more that I can delete from my phone. Saves me space and heartache. I'd delete them from Facebook, but if they notice and message me, that could be an awkward conversation. I have done it with a few already, so time will tell if anyone even really pays attention to my existence.

If you're saying I'm dramatic, don't worry, I know.
But this is how I see it, and I have learned to call it like it see it.
It is what it is.

Word out,
BAMF