Not so heavenly cake

Yeah, my first attempt at a good white cake was a bust- it was not heavenly in any way, shape, or form.
I'll see what my coworkers think tomorrow, but the flavor just isn't right.
I can't tell if there is too much butter flavor to it, or if the almond extract should be eliminated.
There is another recipe that I can try, but I'm not a fan of making meringue.
Have you ever tried it?
It takes forever!
Yeah, having to sift everything sucks monkey balls too.
(My dad bought me a sifter that holds a huge amount of stuff in it- I'm so excited!)
The cupcakes were flat with hard tops too.
I just don't know what to do.

Ugh.
They're edible, but I'm just not happy with it.

Although the cake failed, the buttercream recipe sure didn't!
I have to tweak it for covering cakes, but I don't think it's too bad.
At least one good thing came out of today!

On a sad note, my coworkers father passed away today.
He had cancer, suffered a stroke earlier this week, and was just not at a good quality of life.
The family is beyond sad to lose him, but I know they are happy he's not in pain anymore.
Work will be tough for awhile, but we will make due.
Family comes first.
Always.

I'm ridiculously tired, and this is only the beginning of my 6-day work stretch.
Lame.
Bedtime it is.

Peace out,
Bamf

Reaching for the stars

I am officially not with it this week.
I have mentally checked out from everything, and I feel like I'm half-assing life.
Tap dance tonight was a train wreck.
My body was only half doing what my brain was thinking.
My feet didn't want to shuffle, and I couldn't grasp the concept of which way I was supposed to turn.
Not cool.
I'm 90% certain that next week will be better- I am, however, bracing myself for a rough night at jazzercise tomorrow night.
I'll keep you updated.

Do not search 'puppies' on Pinterest.
You will search for them several nights in a row, which results in little sleep.
You will also begin texting people puppies of the day pictures, and they will then expect them daily.
And you will very badly want to get one.
Just don't do it.
Even if you do, don't say I didn't warn you...

After tap dance tonight I stopped at Caribou for coffee, hot chocolate actually since it was 7:30ish, and ran into someone from high school.
I hadn't talked to him, or seen him, in years so we spent a little time catching up.
We talked about the area, our lives, his upcoming wedding, and where we are in our lives.
He's an attorney and practicing family law, and seems to really enjoy his job.
He always was a smart cookie in high school...
Me, I'm a retail employee who has a bachelors degree in business/HR but is decorating cakes.
We got to talking about me and my decorating cakes, where I would like to go with it, as well as my experience.
As we were parting ways, he asked for my contact information that he could give to his fiancé in case anyone was looking for cakes to be made without spending an arm and a leg at local bakeries.
This is what I am needing to continue to do.
I know so many damn people, that I need to just make a shit ton of cakes for the hell of it, and then build up a blog (to begin with), make a portfolio, create a name for myself, and then network the shit out of it.
Right after I find a decent recipe for buttercream icing- it's proving to be a little bitch.
I don't think Mr. Chris will ever understand how much of a boost he gave me in order to start doing something with this dream of mine.

Here's to hoping for successful recipes and hopefully a pain-free day of work tomorrow.
Shit is hitting the fan. Again. Ugh.

Dreaming of cakes,
Bamf

Yoga fail

Yoga couldn't even help with the shitty mood that I've been in lately.
I've been putting on a good front at work, but I'm just not happy about anything.
I was completely off at Jazzercising yesterday, and yoga tonight just sucked.
We had a different instructor, so I know that didn't help since they have very different styles of teaching.
Yeah, I just wasn't feeling it.

I'm not feeling life.

I'm just gonna make me some tea and call it a night.

Tomorrow is my day off, so we'll see if mood improves.
Cross your fingers.

Peace out,
Moody Bamf

Mad at the world

Today is one of the days that I am mad at the world.
I'm not necessarily mad because of anything that has happened to me, but rather at life in general.
I get to work after having the weekend off, and find out two horrible things:
1) My boss' sick father had an aneurism on Friday, and he has irreversible brain damage. She is flying to NC and will be gone for weeks, indefinitely.
2) My coworker's father has taken a turn for the worse, due to succumbing to cancer, and is not expected to live past tomorrow.

I am mad that my friends have to go through such things.
I am mad that so many of my friends have lost their loved ones in the past several years.
I am mad for them, because they are having to be as strong as they can.
I am mad that there really isn't anything I can do for them.
All day I wanted to burst into tears for my coworker because of what she is going through.
I am mad that I am going to be under the stress and anxiety by these unfortunate events.

Know what else I am mad about?
I am mad that I had to order the bridesmaid dress size that I did.
I am mad that my self esteem went so low when I ordered it, as well as when I put it on.
I know that I am at fault, but I'm still mad.
I'm upset that I feel as if I will be tainting the image that my friend will have at her wedding, as I will be the fat maid of honor.
I hate being up in front of people because of it.
I am mad that I made myself the way that I am.
I am mad that I am mad.
Ugh.

I thought that Jazzercising would help with my anger tonight, but it didn't.
Here's to hoping that Yoga helps tomorrow night.
I'm also looking forward to my snuggle date with my friend's dogs on Wednesday.
I need to snuggle, even if it's with a dog.

I'm done for the day.

Mad at the world,
Bamf

Recipes and Pinterest

Today was my ultimate lazy day.
The only things I managed to do, in chronological order was:
Sleep in, watch a rando movie, shower, put in my contacts, semi make my bed, copy down a bunch of recipes, and become a bigger Pinterest whore.
While surfing for the typical DIY craft, recipes, and gardening tips, I decided to head on over to the animals section where I searched 'puppies'.
This presents an overload of cuteness, and it caused me to laugh hysterically while simultaneously squealing "IJUSTWANTTONUGGLETHEPUPPYOTHERWISEI'LLJUSTDIE!!!"
Yes, some may say I was being overly dramatic, but really I was being completely rational.
See the pictures attached below. (Please pardon the funky placement of photos- I'm postin from the iPadizzle)
I'll give you time to look....
!!!!!!!
It's a puppy in a baby onesie!!
And then just a cute little thing!!!
I was so overly stimulated to say the least.
And I loved it!

Then while checking the emails I took a looksie at the Groupon mailing.
And they are giving 75% off 10 classes at a local Kung Fu studio.
Groupon knows me so well.
I,would probably get kicked out of there for singing the song.
You know the one...
If not, check out the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9Bcxqh6Roo&sns=tw via @youtube


Well, I should attempt to sleep.
We got some measurable snow today, and as a result no one will know how to drive tomorrow morning- awesome.

Stay classy,
Bamf

Cakes and baby stuff

Oh what a busy Saturday!
One of my dear friends is due in March, and I am getting so excited because she is having a girl!
It seems like most of my friends who have had children lately have all had boys, so it's tons of fun buying girl clothes!

The shower started at 10:30, so I had to be up and conscience way before I would have like to have been.
Last night I met up with some work friends at the bowling alley, and we bowled cheap for 3 hours.
It was tons of fun, but when I woke up this morning I felt like I was hungover.
I had one beer last night and then drove home, so I definitely know that wasn't the case.
I am getting old, and since I didn't get home until 2am or so, I know that it is just my old age.
I just can't do it like I use to.
After quick rushing to get a baby gift (obviously I'm not on top of things...) I made a necessary coffee stop.
Thank god for Starbucks in Target stores...

So anyway, the shower was wonderful!
It was great to see everyone again, and being able to eat food and play games made it even better.
My friend got so many wonderful gifts, and I'm convinced that her little girl will be one of the best dressed babies ever!
Here are a few pictures from the shower

It was an owl theme shower

The host made this diaper owl- so cute!

Are these not the cutest shoes ever?!

Behold, my first legit fondant cake!

Seeing as I made my friends bachelorette party cake when she got married a few years ago, I couldn't say no to making her baby shower cake when I was asked!

The host gave me a picture of a cake idea that she found online, and I went off of that picture.

This month I took a fondant class at the craft store, so I felt pretty good going into this.

Before this cake I had only covered two other cakes, so this was really the big test for me.

I was so pleased with the end result, and it really lit a fire in me as I realized yesterday that this is my passion.

I want to create cakes like this for peoples special occasions.

I want to make amazing, tasty cakes that are also affordable.

I want to open my own cake shop!

That is my dream- I will make it happen!

Tomorrow I am going to begin creating a portfolio of all the cakes that I have done, and then think long and hard about how I want to achieve my dream.

Ok, I'm too tired. 

I can't fight it anymore.

Peace out,

Bamf

The Pact

So, a few weeks ago I was texting with one of my guy friends.
All the convo was normal, and then he threw in a text reading "I've got a deal for you, if we both end up single and 40 we will end up together."
I was ridiculously caught off guard and responded with "Bahhahahaha, where the hell did that come from?! Are you drinking?" I never got a reply back, but I knew he was.
The next night after I had been drinking, I replied back with "Yes, but only if we can move it to 35."
I then told him that he would regret that text in the morning.
Never heard anything back.

This morning, at 6:10, I get a sad text from him saying that he hates being alone.
I told him that I understand.
He went on to just ramble off a few more things, and then brought up the pact again.
I told him that as long as we can move it to 37 (I compromised) I would, because the age 40 makes me super depressed.
He agreed.
Then I thanked him for texting me when he was going to bed at that time (I think he was drinking), because I forgot to set my alarm so I would have been super late to work.

Good new is that it looks like if we're both still alone in 11 years, I won't have to die alone.

The odds of me still being alone will be great, but I doubt he will have a problem.

Of course he has no idea that I would rather not wait that long.

I'm just going to chalk this up to him having bat shit crazy ideas when he's drinking, and him not realizing that he will more than likely regret everything when he is sober.

As for me, I'm just going to push all of this to the back of my head, and try not to think about it anymore.
It'll all be easier that way.

Now I'll go drink my sorrows away at the bar, well, in only a few drinks because I'm driving.
I don't play them games.

Yep,
Bamf

2nd time's the charm?

So I'm doing it again.
I'm trying Weight Watchers.
I'm doing the online version because I have a hard time committing to going in and getting weighed in every week, but more importantly online is cheaper.
I started out with the three month package, and I'll go from there.

I believe that my failed attempts at weight watchers, as well as other diets (Paleo, anyone?) is partially due to me still living with my parents.
They don't grasp the concept of what I'm doing, and if I don't eat what they prepare for meals, then they make me feel guilty.
I've tried to not be around home as much, and that does help some.
I'm not sure what else to do.
So we're trying it.
I'm just going to have to suck it up and make all my own food.
This time around I'm going to continue to limit my eating out (I have been good lately), cut down on the trips to Starbucks and Caribou, and STOP drinking soda.
Despite signing up for it today, I've already gone out to eat.
I went for high protein steak, so now I just need to figure out dinner for tonight.
Leftovers are an option, but they are Lasagna, so we shall see.
Blah.

Having Jazzercising, Tap Dance, and Yoga to look forward to helps.
I think that I'm going to up Jazzercising to 2 days a week, and hopefully start running again in the spring/summer.
Some people run outside in Minnesota in the winter, but to me that is the ultimate disaster waiting to happen.
I can trip over nothing, so the odds of me slipping on ice are very great.
Anyway, I'm considering changing around my work schedule in order to allow me to run in the morning.
I want to be that committed.
I've been considering taking an overnight shift at work, so that may mess up my plans, but I'll figure something out- nothing is set in stone.

Ok, time to go make cakes for this week.
My job and weight loss is the biggest oxymoron in the world.

Peace out,
Bamf

Stop, yoga time

If you just said that similar to saying 'stop, hammer time', then I applaud you. 

oh MC Hammer...

So yea, overall today was way better than yesterday. 

I just ignored the fact that yesterday happened, and I'm moving on. 

Yoga was perfect tonight. 

I couldn't balance for shit, but going from downward dog to cobra and back is way easier.

And I flipped the dog- pretty awesome. 

All the exercise classes that I'm doing right now are what is saving me, and they're keeping me from going completely insane. 

I know I could do videos for cheap at home, but I just don't have that kind of attention span. 

I get bored very quickly. 

One of my many downfalls in life.

Tomorrow I'm going to lunch with my parents. 

I've been avoiding eating out like the plague, simply because I'm trying not to put myself into tempting situations. 

If I had self control I'd go out easily, but that doesn't work with me. 

That's the reason I didn't want a birthday cake- I'd eat it for every meal of the day. 

Gross. 

So here I am, staying away from temptation, and eating at home. 

I'm still hungry all the time, but then I get protein and fruits/veggies easier. 

If I keep myself busy I successfully avoid snacking as we'll.

If I could kick the coffee habit I'd be better, but that isn't happening. 

I'm working on getting rid of the soda. 

Slowly but surely I will. 

Well, I'm going to go finish my night with some reading and music, so ill leave you with a picture of my traditional post yoga tea, with some Greek yogurt thrown in there today. 

Pure bliss and heaven. 

I'll be back tomorrow.

Namaste,

Bamf

Friendship Sunk

I did it.
I'm done with his friendship.
I said that if I didn't hear from him by my birthday that I was done.
A year ago was the last time that I saw him, I think.
Nothing has changed since then, and it is just time to move on.
Forever.
No more thinking about him, the past, or any of my feelings.
They will forever be put into the back of my mind, and slowly but surely pushed out.

What a birthday I've had.
Work, flu shot, avoiding cake and anything birthday related, and overall bummed attitude.
Now I'm retiring in front of the TV, fireplace, and under three blankets.
Tomorrow I will wake up and pretend as if the day has never happened.
But first I need to call and try to pick up insurance at work.
Oh the joys of becoming 26.

Donezo,
Bamf

Birthday peppermint mocha

Here is my happy birthday triple grande peppermint mocha to myself.

The only positive thing that shall come out of today.

And it's fucking cold outside -35 degree windchill.

Is this day done yet?
Bahhumbug.

Pity partier,
Bamf

Cold

It is cold as fuck outside.
And it's only going to get worse tomorrow.
I gotta say, I'm not much a fan of tis weather.
I probably shouldn't live here anymore.

Yesterday happened.
Today happened.
That's about all I got.

I might buy a pity party coach purse for myself.
As a birthday gift.
We'll see though, cause I really can't afford it.

Oh yeah, no jazzercise will be happening tomorrow due to observance of MLK day.
Bullshit.
That's all I'm saying.
If I have to work, everyone else should have to as well.

Whelp, it's bedtime.
Tomorrow I will wake up bitter at the world.
Again.
And I will be in denial.
Huzzah.

Shenanigans,
Bamf

Brenna Burrito

Happy 1st Birthday to my Brenna Burrito!

I love you so so much, and I can't wait to see the person that you grow up to be! 

You have such a personality, and you make me smile like no one else can- can't wait to celebrate your birthday today!

Love,

Auntie Megan

Now, Now

Now, Now - Dead Oaks

A friend that I have known since high school is part of a phenominal band called Now, Now.

They are ridiculously talented.

You should check them out, download some all of their songs from iTunes, and go to their website to look at stops on their tour, as well as their merchandise.

Support them, they are well on their way to becoming huge!

That's all I got today.

Keep it classy,

Bamf

Bottomless Pit

Today my stomach was a bottomless pit.
I had as much protein as I could today (given the time I had to prepare and eat my meals), and I just could not stay full.
It was pretty much every 2 hours that my stomach was rumbling.
That's just ridiculous.
Let's hope tomorrow I can at least go 3 hours without eating.
Ugh.

Work is slowly but surely returning back to normal.
Well, at least as normal as it can be.
Still no cupcakes, but my coworker is back from her honeymoon, so I can once again quiz her for answers to my tiered cake questions.
I told her today, and I hope it didn't creep her out, that I had Kim withdrawals.
You see, I work with her 32 hours/week, and we stand next to each other all day, so we naturally talk about everything.
Some guys at work have a bromance, but we have a girlmance.
Yes, I just made that up- deal with it.
But yes, she is back, and so is my boss (for another few weeks).
If we could get cupcakes in, life would be wonderful.
Oh to dream....

Tap dance was fun tonight.
We added on more to our dance.
Now we turn multiple times, and have more complex steps.
And the song is damn fast, so between turns and taps I get super confused.
We know half of the dance, so by the time we learn all the steps, we will have 3 months to perfect it.
I think we will need all the help we can get.
It's ridiculously fun, but I just don't have the dance mind set- aka, I have a hard time multitasking.

I bought more fondant crap tools today.
$50 later, and halfway home, I realized I forgot one part- damnit.
Tomorrow before class I need to try and buy the board.
I have one more week to perfect base frosting a cake using fondant.
Then I have to make a tiered cake for a baby shower next weekend.
Although as of right now I haven't heard back if they want to pay me that much to make it.
Fondant and tiered cakes are damn expensive.
Since I'm still learning I'm not even charging much of anything for labor.
I should, but if I want to make a portfolio and to keep doing it, I'll do what I have to.
My sanity just might die with the cakes.
Only two other requested fondant tiered cakes to make for people after this one... eek.
What a life I live- make cakes at work, and then make cakes at home.
Lame.

Whelp, I'm going to go to bed.
I'm ridiculously exhausted, and I need to try and actually get up tomorrow morning.
No more snoozing for 45 minutes.
I often wonder if I will ever become a morning person- part of me really hopes I don't!
Time to go snuggle with my stuffed llama.

~Bamf

Yep.

Well, today happened.
I'm pretty sure only a couple good things happened.
Actually, I bet you are just dying to know what happened today.
Well, lets not keep you waiting, shall we?

I snoozed too long and wasn't able to shower before work, and I also didn't get breakfast either.
Fail.
I actually got a fair amount of cakes made.
Win.
My coworker told me I should do the Medifast diet with her.
Fail.
*Remind me to not eat/take breaks around coworkers anymore- I'd rather sit outside and freeze.
Ate lunch and was super hungry an hour later.
Fail.
Bought a good amount of produce to eat.
Win.
Got roped into making dinner.
Fail.
Yoga'd.
Win. (It was ridiculously needed)
Had delicious tea after yoga- a tea party, if you will.
Win.
Got asked why I didn't see friends anymore, and responded with the fact that they are all married and had lives.
Fail.

Well, the fails take it with a score of 4 to 3.
I blame it all on not Jazzercising this week.
It has thrown off my groove.
I'm exhausted from yoga, and I hope tomorrow is even a little better.
I'll be eating in a random place where no one will find me.
I'd threaten to stop eating, but I know that'll never happen.
I get too mean when I'm hungry.
That totally ruined my day.
Mainly cause its the truth.
Fuck. My. Life.

I'm going to drink away my sorrows in my dreams, hopefully.
I hope it's 5 o'clock in margaritadreamville.

I will leave you with a picture from my post yoga tea party.
It was fab- chamomile tea with honey made an appearance.
I highly recommend.
Keep it real.

Your life long failure,
BAMF

Mild Monday

Today was a damn near perfect day off.

I slept in, drank coffee, made a cake and attempted fondant, straightened my hair, and got to see my bestest friend Andrea.

This morning I realized that I was asked to make a tiered cake for one of my friends baby shower in a few weeks.
They want fondant, and I had never even attempted to cover a cake with it before.
Major problem, right there.
So I busted out a cake today and discovered uneven baking problems.
Had seam problems in the covering of the cake.
Decorated the cake in a hideous way, but oh well.
I attempted the skills, and I am pumped to do another cake later this week/next weekend in an attempt to better the concept of fondant.
I've already booked another cake for next month, as well as in March.
It's a little overwhelming, but I know that if I want to create a side business out of it, this is what I need to learn.
Although fondant tastes gross, in my opinion, it makes the most money for cake decorators and it give the clean lines that people are looking for.
Thankfully I know the people who are ordering the cakes in the next few months, but it is still intimidating none-the-less.
Well, me being a perfectionist is the biggest problem, but really that's minor.
Oh, did I mention that the baby shower cake needs to be gluten free?
Yep, I don't have luck with gluten free cakes.
Note to self: search for tips and tricks in the baking of them.
There you have it, my daily dilemma.

Today I got an update on baby W- his momma said that he has some sort of an infection that adults usually get.
It was discovered when he wasn't eating well and didn't have a wet diaper for several hours.
Because babies don't usually get suck an infection, they aren't saying for sure what it may be, so we are just all praying that the current course of antibiotics helps the little nugget.
The hospital is being amazing and letting my friend and her hubby stay in the rooms there while they are not needed.
I'm still not sure what to say to them, so I remain very limited in communication as to not bug them.
I hope she is not taking it as me ignoring them.
Pray that he is doing better yet again tomorrow after he sees his doctor.

Today would have been my grandma's birthday.
She would have turned 93 today.
I miss her so much everyday.
I miss her hugs, laugh, conversations, and the overall love that she always showed to everyone.
I only hope that she is enjoying her birthday in heaven with her husband and baby.
Life just isn't the same without her.

I have to go back tomorrow after three days off.
I'm so bummed about that.
Back to the grind...

Until tomorrow,
Bamf

Pub-crawl problems

Yesterdays Northeast Minneapolis pub-crawl was so much fun that I thought I would suffer all day today after it.

14 hours of drinking with a low tolerance makes for a difficult day after.

It was fun seeing my friends, and a lot of people that I haven't seen since the Milwaukee trip 2 years ago.

Shenanigans always happen with those people.

Not to mention me turning into a drunk emotional baby inside the bar due to a text message I received last night.

As we were at the last bar of the night, a local one, I got a text from my friend K who just had baby W.

She said that he was moved to the NICU early Saturday morning.

My heart sunk, and I kind of broke down.

She said that she had been trying to find time to text me all day, but was an emotional mess so she didn't get around to it then.

I wasn't able to really talk with her then, and I still haven't been able to talk to her besides a few text messages today.

She said that he is likely going to be kept there through the week.

I have no idea what is wrong with him, but it is freaking me out.

Not to mention that I am feeling like the worst friend ever.

I didn't text her at all yesterday to find out how they were.

I don't want to be an annoying person texting all the time to see how they are doing, but I probably should be.

None of my other friends have ever gone through something like that before, so I don't know what to say.

I'm not sure when she will be going home, so I don't want to bug her since I know that she is going to be having such a hard time going home without him.

Since I was feeling like crap today I didn't go down to see them.

Not to mention I'm not sure if she wants visitors.

So yea, I still feel like a shitty friend.

What a horrible start to the new year.

I've been thinking about my birthday plans.

I will work during the day, Jazzercise, and then I'm debating on going and hanging out by myself at a coffee shop or something.

I'm not really in the mood to do anything, so I won't.

What a depressing debbie downer I am.

I'm going to go fall asleep in front of the fireplace again, and hope that tomorrow is a little better.

Adios,

Bamf

Dramatic Friday

The only thing that made it dramatic was me, actually, but that's nothing new.
I'm just over thinking, being selfish, and putting myself into a bad mood.

Todays' succession of events, in chronological order:
7am- dentist appointment. No cavities! The dental hygienist did destroy my gums though. Ouch.
8am- Caribou Coffee stop. Mocha and an egg white and turkey bacon sandwich. Yum.
8:30 am- start work, boo.
11am- find out about new possible position at work. It would be perfect for me, I think. Now to pass interviews...
11am to 5pm- make a lot of cakes. lame.
5:30pm- finally get to meet and snuggle with my friend's new son, Wade. He's adorable.
8pm- get home and reflect on my life.
9:42pm- now. realizing how dramatic I am, as well as what I perceive my self-worth to be.

Sorry this blog isn't a huge big bundle of fun and upbeat posts.
This is for my word vomit that I feel guilty telling to anyone, even my best friends in life, because I just don't think that anyone will understand.

This was just the typical work day for me, however I was so fucking antsy to leave because I get a 3 DAY WEEKEND!!! This weekend will contain the first set of two consecutive days off that I have had in the past month. Lemme just say, working retail around the holidays steals your soul. Fo realz. I am grateful to have my job, don't get me wrong, but unless you have honestly worked in the retail sector of things (especially for huge corporations) you just won't understand how taxing it is on your life.
Hooray for days off, a bar crawl in NE Mpls this weekend with my BFFL, and overall shenanigans.

As I was driving home, it really dawned on me how friendships change when kids come into the picture.
I guess I should say, more specifically, how friendships change when they are married and have kids and you are single.
Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that their lives are forever changed.
They will no longer have the capability to decide to just get up and go to the store or out for the night.
They can't just hang out at anytime due to naps, feedings, etc.
I think that the reason I'm having such a hard time is because I am so incredibly selfish.
I am selfish, I don't like change, and more importantly, I feel like a failure.
I feel like I have failed every option and plan that I had subconsciously set for myself.
This plan wasn't made based on what I want, but rather what everyone else is doing.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be married, working on a masters degree, and looking at buying a house.
I have not kept up with either of my brothers, most of my family members, as well as my friends.
What do I have to show for my life?
I work in retail.
I have a college degree that is catching dust.
I have very few friends to hang out with.
I am so uncomfortable in my own skin.
I can't afford my life.
I am so unhappy that I can't believe anyone would be friends with me.

My level of unhappiness and self-worth has sunk to an all-time low.
I don't want to celebrate my birthday, I don't want to acknowledge where I am at in my life, and I really just want to spend my birthday alone.
On my birthday I will work, jazzercise, and maybe lie about what I am doing after so that I can just sit in a coffee shop by myself.
I am seriously considering spending my birthday alone, despite the fact that I live with my parents.
I love them to death, and am so thankful that I can live rent free in their house, but it is so depressing and embarrassing that I would rather not subject them to any of it.
I just wonder if my grandma would be disappointed in me as most of my cousins are married with children, or engaged, or successful.
I would be embarrassed of me, but that's just me.
This is why I push people away.
I hold everything in, put on a front, lower my self-worth, and make myself unappealing to everyone.
I help everyone else out, give them advice, but for once I want to be the one to be given help or advice.
I don't fit in with my friends anymore, I'm fucking sick of being the odd man out as they couple up, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

But I'm stuck.
Nowhere to go.
No one to talk to.
Nothing to help me.
So I will continue on.
I will continue pressing on in life.
I will pretend my life is great, participate in the bar crawl, drown my sorrows in alcohol, and push myself farther into a depressive state.

Happy 3-day weekend,
Bamf

p.s. I apologize for sounding like a bi-polar lunatic in this here post. Odds are, I am one.
p.s.s. here's a pic of my friends' little nugget, Wade. He is precious and perfect. Congrats to K and P.

Baby day!

One of my best friends is in labor, so I'm ridiculously excited!
I'm waiting around to see if she needs me to take her to the hospital, otherwise I will be there for as much as she would like me to.
Hopefully her husband can handle everything, otherwise I promised her that I would be there for her.
I love her and all, but I think that I'd be OK with just snuggling Baby S after he's born :)

Today is hair appointment and then cake decorating class using fondant.
I'm hoping to get the skill set so that I can do even more cakes on the side, and then charge more for them.
Right now I'm not charging much, just enough to cover the base cost of materials, mainly because I want to attempt to get some sort of a client base.
Portfolio would be great too- I need to get on that.

So yeah, cheers to babies, hair, and fondant!

Happy Thursday!

Bamf

The Universe Attacks

... and I am just about dead.

Today has been a mother fucker *pardon my french*, but it truly has.

As soon as I thought that things would start to get a little bit back to normal, the universe took one big shit on me.

Get to work, figure out coworker might have the flu, so I send her home.

Fast forward two hours, my boss finally comes back to work, but has to leave 5 minutes later so she can rush home to figure out paperwork for her father. (They are trying to move him to another hospital, so they need to know a bunch of information. And they want it today).
Then before she leaves I hear her telling them that she will need to leave to move him and to take care of more stuff there, so who know when that will be, and for how long.

Boss leaves, so then I'm pestered to write the schedule.

I write schedule, and then stupid coworker bitches and complains about the schedule.

I wanted to slap her, and then go eat my feelings.

I still want to eat my feelings bad- you have no idea how bad.

Now my anxiety is kicked up to high gear, since I have no idea if my coworker will be able to work tomorrow.

If she doesn't work there will be no one.

And I have a hair appointment that I am NOT canceling!
I already had to cancel my massage for today because I had to work, so I will not cancel getting my hairs did. No way in hell will I do that.

And, I may demand overtime pay if they call me in.
Well, I don't have the guts to do that so really that isn't an option.

The only good thing that will come of today?
Tap dance.
My saving grace.

We'll see how tomorrow goes, but cross your fingers that the post won't be as dramatic.
I'm going to go and continue to try and not eat my feelings.

~Bamf

Another thing on my plate

Although I don't have much time as of lately, I figured I might as well add another thing to it.
For awhile I didn't have any extra curricular activities, and all of a sudden I thought it would be great to add 3 things at once.
My weekly schedule as of right now is:
Monday- Jazzercise
Tuesday- Yoga
Wednesday- Tap dance
Thursday- fondant class (for cake decorating)
I also work during that time, so my days are full.
Holy bananas, I am suddenly crazy busy.
I will admit, finding time to get together with friends is proving to be difficult, but I'm oddly OK with that.
Crazy enough, I have been looking at another Yoga class to take during the week, but I would have to get Thursdays off.
We'll see if that is possible...

I'm at the point in my life that I realize I need to do things for me.
If I want to put my health first and sign up a ton of random fitness classes, then you bet your ass I will.
Obviously not much is right in my life yet, so I need to get there somehow.
Getting my health on track is of utmost importance, so I will figure something out come hell or high water.
There is a possibility that some friendships will be lost, or I will chose to not pursue them (yes, I am talking about that friend request that I accepted on Facebook- the one that I was apprehensive about from the beginning).
I am 90% certain that I just need to move on and leave that part of my life behind.
What's done is done, and I don't think it was meant to be.
On my birthday, January 21st, I will delete him and vow to move on.
Yep, that's in two weeks.
I just have to do it.
Gah.

Sorry my posts are all over the place lately, especially today, but that's just my life.
I'm just trying to get through everything one day at a time.
Maybe when work settles down my life will too.
Maybe not, but it's worth a shot.
Oh yeah, I'm asking for a kick-ass blender for my birthday.
I want to make smoothies in 10 seconds.
Cause that would be awesome.

Hokay, bedtime.
Tomorrow is my 5th day in my 7 day work stretch, so I'm getting burned out.
And I really just want to sleep past 6am.
It's the little things in life....

Your Jazzerciser,
Bamf

p.s. can I just say how many fast food commercials are on TV? No wonder I always fall into the traps... Curse you, fast food restaurants

Whirlwind Weekend

Holy bananas, the weekend has come and gone.
Lemme tell you, it was crazy.
While continuing your reading, please enjoy listening to Mumford & Sons- I Will Wait
They are amazing.

This weekend was ridiculous, but lovely (for the most part).
Friday I worked, yay.
Then sat around Friday night.
Saturday I had to work at 5am so that I could attend my coworkers wedding.
During the day at work I had the WORST anxiety ever.
I was nervous, and wanted to puke.
In hindsight it was stupid to be so nervous, but being the one running the department right now, I was nervous of what I would walk into this morning.
Thanks to the Vikings-Packers game we were getting killed at work- apparently everyone wanted bread with their football!
Anyway, after surviving work I headed downtown to the Basilica in Minneapolis to watch the beautiful couple marry each other.

The Basilica of Saint Mary is beautiful.
Majestic, but also feels intimate.
The ceremony was perfect, and the bride looked stunning in her lace gown.
Most of my coworkers have never attended a Catholic wedding ceremony before, so they thought it was a long ceremony.
Little do they know how much shorter it was than a traditional Catholic wedding mass ceremony...
Anyway, after the ceremony we took a group picture on the front steps of the church, and then headed to the reception.
When the bride and groom arrived to the reception I noticed her dress dragging and getting dirty.
Her posse (bridesmaids) weren't nearby, so I helped her bustle her dress.
Even when I'm not part of the wedding I end up helping the bride somehow- I don't get it...

The food was amazing, as were her handmade centerpieces (21 snow globes, and 21 table runners), and the cake (that the bride made)!

Vegan cake!

Of course I chose the chicken option... #wonttrynewthings

After dinner and before dancing we heard beautiful speeches from the father of groom and the father of the bride, and then the best man and maid of honor sang a beautiful song for the couple.

It was wonderful.

Then my coworkers and I participated in photo shenanigans.

Sam-me-Jayme

Me and Jayme - bffs

We even managed to get a picture of most of the Bakery family <3

 Me-Joyce-Jenni-Sam-Bri-Amber-Jayme-Kim-Nick-Alex-Bonnie

After dancing well past my bedtime, I headed home in order to get a few hours of sleep before work this morning.

I had been up since 3:30am on Saturday, so by 10pm I was exhausted.

Sunday came and went, and I am prepared to work the last 3 days in my 7 day work stretch.

Game. One.

I will leave you with one last picture of the beautiful couple!

<3  Mr. & Mrs. Post <3

Happy Sunday,

Bamf

Anxiety

Lately I have had the worst anxiety.
My mind races, I get nervous, and feel sick.
Work is just becoming too much.
There are so many things that I have had to do and worry about in the past 3 weeks, and it is all coming to a breaking point.
My boss is supposed to finally be back on Wednesday, so I hope that the rumors are true.
If she is, that will cut my anxiety levels in half.
Fo realz.
Damn jobs, causing nothing but problems.
On the plus side, my paycheck is pretty nice thanks to that OT I got the week before Christmas.
Hot damn, I could get use to that.

So, my coworker gets married tomorrow.
Thank god I get to go with a bunch of coworkers- going to weddings single is really starting to get to me.
I would almost not go.
Almost.
I have to work early, then rush to the city to get to the ceremony.
All because they wouldn't get us support help for a day.
For one, fucking day.
Bastards.

Ok, so I promised you fine folks that I would have some thoughts for you.
Yes, the above word vomit aren't even what I intended to tell you all.
Have I bored you to death yet?
Do you still care to hear?
Yes? OK.
Between now and October I want to participate in a 5k.
Back in 2010 I completed ten 5ks.
It was great, and I miss it.
Right now a few things are hindering my start to training, and they are as follow:
- Winter in MN = icy roads, freezing temps, and little daylight.
- I just cancelled my gym membership because I can't afford it

Yes, those aren't huge reasons holding me back, but they are reasons none the less.
I've determined one thing about myself in my life, and that is that if I don't have my mind determined to do something, I won't do it.
I can't have any excuses, and I have to do it on my own terms.
Right now, winter is holding me back.
The lack of daylight is a killer, especially since I leave for work in the dark, and it's dark soon after I get home.
Eventually things will be in my favor, and then I will go from there.
Otherwise, I figure I have 9 months to accomplish this mini goal.
Totally possible.
Old man winter just needs to leave.

Well, that is all that I got for you today.
Tune in next time, Sunday, for the new update of my overly dramatic life.

Anxiously yours,
Bamf

Music therapy

Does music have a strong effect on you?
Do you find yourself cruising down the road, turning up the music, and belting out the lyrics regardless of whether or not you like your voice?
Lemme just tell you, music has such a calming effect on me.
If I'm in a bad mood, I can find music to either
a) match my mood
b) cheer me up
c) make me forget about everything

If you ride in a car with me, I am the type of person who will flip between stations and/or CDs in order to find songs that I like.
I will very quickly move on to a new song if I get bored.
Some of my friends are driven to crazy from my music flipping, but I don't care :)

I am an equal opportunity music listener.
I will listen to country, pop, alternative, rock, blue grass, show tunes, you name it i'll listen to it.
Well, as long as I can understand what they are saying I will listen to it.
Rap is a hit and miss, and scream-o is a negative.
Besides that, I can listen to mostly anything.
Growing up I was exposed to a lot of classic country, as well as the oldies.
Some days I feel like I know more songs from the 1950s-1970s.
There are some people I know who do not know some of the classics, but I feel very fortunate to have grown up in a house like I did.
Some old tunes are the best, and that's the truth.
You can thank my father for getting this song stuck in my head...
As well as in your head now.
My coworkers will probably want to kill me tomorrow when I sing this alllllll the time.

Whelp, I'm off to lay down and pop some pills as my legs are killing me from jazzercise.
Lunges are killers.
Fo realz.

I'll be back with some other thoughts tomorrow..
It's life changing.
Well, not really, but maybe someone will come back to read it?
Probably not, but we'll see.

Happy Friday Eve,
Bamf

Commitment

Today is last day off until next Thursday.
In the next 7 days I will work each day, tap dance twice, jazzercise once, attend a coworkers wedding, and try to survive being the boss for my department at work.
It's going to be a ridiculously busy week, so I am laying low today.
Most of my day has been spent on my Macbook, catching up on blogs, and discovering new ones.
I'm kind of a fan of these days.

Tonight I have tap-dance, and tonight begins my determination to attend each week.
The adult tap class is going to partake in the recital (scary), so I need to be there so I can actually learn the dance and not make a ridiculous fool out of myself.
I'll happen either way, but I'm going to practice as much as I can!
During the fall 'semester' of classes, I had a difficult time attending due to illness, injury, and going wedding dress shopping with my bff.
I had a difficult time committing, so I need to do this.

Jazzercise has been difficult to commit to because of illness in the past month, but I'll try my best to get there.
I rarely get sick this often in a short amount of time, so I'm not sure what is going on with that.
Either way I'm not a fan...

So yesterday I said that I wasn't going to make a resolution.
Well, I said I was going to resolve to live to see 2014, but that doesn't really count.
I spent my day thinking, and I have decided that I do want to make a resolution.
My New Years resolution is to commit through the year.
I want to commit to whatever may be thrown my way such as:
-Commit to my tap dance class
-Commit to jazzercising
-Commit to my budget so I can save up and move into my own place
-Commit to weightloss
-Commit to not hitting the snooze button for hours each morning
-Commit to living my life to the fullest and being grateful
-Commit to finding a job
-Commit to getting happy
-Commit to finding myself
-Commit to blogging and possibly promoting myself?

Me putting these on here won't help me commit, but it at least plants that little seed in my head.
I need to think long and hard about why I don't follow through, and why I make excuses.
I only get one life, and I need to make the best of it.
Maybe I need to go see a therapist to help, but I'll cross that road if I come to it.

If you have ideas, shoot them my way.
Until then, stay classy.

Your tap-dancing queen,
Bamf

Time-and-a-half Tuesday

My next paycheck will be quite lovely- overtime, holiday pay, and regular pay.
Cha-fucking-ching.
Just more money to pay off my student loan with... fantastic.

So I survived New Years in the retail world.
It was brutal.
But I'm still alive, as are my coworkers.
I've decided to just throw up my hands at work, decide to not do anymore stupid paperwork for my boss.
Not my job, and it can wait.
Cakes are more important.
So it's decided, I will do the bare minimum with that, and just make sure the bakery doesn't blow up.
Challenge accepted.

Speaking of New Years... yep, it came and went.
Relatively uneventful.
Went to a high school friend's house as several of them are in town for Christmas.
I get to see them once a year if I'm lucky, so I always attend movie nights/dinners whenever possible.
Last night we ate tacos and cookies, drank vanilla coke, chatted, and played with my friends cute little one year old boy.

Here's little Brennan- he's my little buddy

Many of my friends went out, drank, and probably woke up with a hangover.

It was so nice to NOT be with that kind of group.

Believe me, I love my friends.

Drunk people = obnoxious people, and me hanging out with them would not have been a good result yesterday. 

Not to mention I had to work this morning.

Overall, NYE has come and gone, and I am fine with that. 

I'm just ready to move on into the year.

I hope to god that the rest of the years goes better than how the first day of the new year went.

As I sit here, trying to think about the ever so dreaded New Years resolutions, I don't really feel the need/want/desire to create them, for many reasons- those reasons being:
1) Most resolutions are unrealistic
2) As a result most resolutions are not attained
3) I just don't want to
So if someone asks me what my resolution is, I am going to tell that that mine is to live to see 2014.
Sounds like a plan to me.
And I suppose I'll see if this blog lives through the year.

Burlesque is on, and I am ridiculously intrigued by it despite the main characters being Cher and Christina Aguilera.
All my attention is gone from here.
I'll be back tomorrow :)

Keep it real,
Bamf